1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
