bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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