people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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