i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
