True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
