Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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