I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
