guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
