Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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