I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
