As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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