I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
