Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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