forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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