Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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