I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
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New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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