I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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