I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Houston, we have a blender
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
