Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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