the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
