On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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