her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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