Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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