Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
