I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
