No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
