Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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