he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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