I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
