I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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