Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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