My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
