It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
