Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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