I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
