my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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