Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
