you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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