I could make wine with my vomit
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
