if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
