Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
