If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
