what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
