Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
