i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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