3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
