Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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