fuck your aforementioned shoe
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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