and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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