I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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