Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
