you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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