I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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