maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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