WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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