i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....