New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
